Sometimes I wonder what kind of king I would be, and every now and then a game comes along that makes it clear that I would be a terrible king. Currently, this game is the medieval kingdom simulation Norland, which feels like a cross between Crusader Kings, RimWorld and Mount & Blade. It involves strategy, settlement building, management and, as Fraser discovered, a lot of personal drama and not a little vomit.
I'm not sure my kingdom will survive long enough to experience any of this: I haven't technically even started the game yet when I make my first big mistake. I choose a scenario that starts me as a king with three daughters, which seems ideal to me: one daughter could be the princess type blessed with charisma and social skills, another could be a shady spymaster concerned with intrigue and secret conspiracies, and the third could be a brave warrior to lead my armies. The four of us will rule this empire, and when I finally croak, my worthiest daughter will inherit the throne.
What I don't realize is that in this scenario all three of my daughters are fair one year old at the start of the game. This means that when I start playing, I immediately realize that my children (I have named them Inky, Dinky and Pinky) cannot do anything until they are adults and teenagers.
From the beginning, King Chris has to do everything himself, without the help of his heirs. Giving instructions to builders, conducting research, carrying out missions, diplomacy with neighboring lords: it's entirely up to me and me alone. No wonder I almost immediately develop a negative mood modifier called “deadly fatigue.” Sounds gloomy. I hope it's not fatal.
My daughters' other problem is that one of them is missing. The scenario I chose said that the game would start with a family member being kidnapped by bandits, giving me a fun little starter mission. Somehow I assumed it would be some distant, random cousin, but no, it's my beloved daughter Inky. How could I fail so hard? the pre-game dropdown menus? Now I have to save her, and since my other two children are useless toddlers, they can't help.
So my first act as king is to trudge out of the city where nothing is built without an army (because I haven't assembled one yet) (because I'm the only one who can tell people what to build). and delivers a large pile of gold to the bandit camp.
Unfortunately, I quickly make another mistake: I select “Bribe” from the menu, which just means that I pay the bandits not to attack my village. There is a different I have the option to pay to get my little daughter back, so I end up paying the bandits two big piles of gold. Is this little daughter even worth it? I have two surrogate babies at home.
King's tax return
Not a great start to my new kingdom. After this rocky start, however, things remain pretty rocky. As I read in the library and look for ways to use rye fields to produce food and alcohol, I receive a warning that my trio of useless little daughters are not getting an education. I don't want them to grow up to be complete fools like their father, so I have to take the time to teach them. That means less time exploring rye fields and a delay in providing my townsfolk with all the flour and beer they need to be happy.
I desperately need help and finally have some luck: a freelance lord shows up in town. His name is Lyutovoy, but I rename him “Helpy” because I don't know how to pronounce Lyutovoy and because I immediately put 95% of the tasks in the village on him, including raising my children. I'm just going to try to finish reading this book about rye.
Helpy's opinion of me is represented by an angry red negative number, and I want to avoid being murdered before I learn the secrets of Rye, so I pay him some gold in addition to the gold I'm already paying him. Before I can check whether this has boosted his spirits, I pass out in the mud from fatigue. Helpy drags me through the village and throws me into my bed. Whether I like it or not, at least he deserves his gold.
Before Helpy arrived, I had also spent some time trying to improve my relationship with a kingdom to the west, although most of that was just by throwing gifts of money their way. Between the bandits, the other kingdom, and paying Helpy to work for me and like me more, I'm really burning my village's treasury. But now I notice that the kingdom I showered with gifts is recruiting one of its relatives for marriage.
My mood is improved by a recent orgasm (I guess I can thank Gorana for that, but as far as I know, Helpy really lives up to its name).
I put aside the perpetually unfinished Rye Handbook and run off to get married. Who is my wife? Oh, I don't know. A lady named Gorana. I just need another person in my town to be assigned tasks until my annoying kids get older. I noticed her bio says she “craves excitement.” I have extremely bad news for her, unless she enjoys watching a man slowly fail at reading a farming book.
With Helpy and Gorana, things are finally changing for the better in my city. My mood is improved by a recent orgasm or two (I guess I can thank Gorana for that, unless Helpy really goes all out). I've also made friends with one of my daughters, Pinky, who's now seven and almost half the age to do some damn things around here. Best of all, I've finally miraculously finished reading the book on rye so farms can be planted, mills can be built, and flour and alcohol can begin flooding my town. It was enough to pay off one stranger, marry another, and occasionally collapse from exhaustion. I am a true king.
Dark mercenaries
It's also time for a little revenge. Those bandits I made rich earlier? They are now doing so well that they have actually formed a small military mercenary unit. I'd like to destroy their camp, but I still don't have an army, so I'll just hire them. I hire the bandits to destroy their own camp.
I put my mercenary Helpy in charge of my mercenary army and send them out to stab their former bandit comrades. It works great and I think it works as a strategy: paying people to destroy the people I paid before, even though they're mostly the same people? It's expensive anyway, and expensive things are usually good. At least that's what my constantly fainting king thinks.
Speaking of unconscious monarchs, my king has a dream the next night and awakens with a new goal, or as some would call it, a quest: “to unite 15 Norland provinces under my control.” I just have to laugh. That's obviously not going to happen. It was a huge undertaking for King Chris to complete successfully read a single book.
However, I have to deal with the other provinces because most of them hate me. This is what happens when you constantly hand over huge amounts of gold to bandits: rich people get angry. However, there are some opportunities to win some hearts and minds. A kingdom asks for help because it fears it will be pillaged (probably by all the well-paid bandits in the area), so I send Helpy out (along with any well-paid bandits I employ) and let him find another bandit raided camp on the way back. Yes, I am a hero.
Me, the guy who almost didn't read a single book about wheat and staged a library robbery.
Really another country, Really hates me so I prepare to send them huge sums of money before I know it, presto, I'm almost out of portions. But I can't just leave a seething enemy king out there plotting my downfall, so I'm considering my options for a preemptive strike. Assassination? Kidnapping? Poisoning? Gold robbery?
I may not be much of a king, but I love irony, so I choose the option that seems funniest: stealing books from her library. Me, the guy who almost didn't read a single book about wheat and staged a library robbery. It hurts the crime a little that I send my wife to steal books instead of going there myself, but I'm happy that she also delegates the task and hires “cutthroats” to steal five books, her own in the process Keeping hands clean. Now all you have to do is read all these books or, better yet, pay someone to read them for me. Hey, Helpy… are you busy?
Unfortunately my Norland demo doesn't let me play much further, but I definitely had a great time as the Terrible King. Norland will enter Early Access on Steam in May. Then we'll see each other again, Helpy.
